13:41 Austin Bergstrom Airport – Gate 22:
The Blues bend into the starting blocks, signaling that their boarding offensive is imminent. Brooks Brothers uniforms betray them. The pale penises in pin stripes are ready for today’s match. They are the most aggressive contenders. It is my sincere belief that the game was invented for them. What other reason would the airlines have for creating Overhead Compartment Wars if not to lure more of the Blues to their airline? They do tend to fly first class and drink more. Certainly the airlines didn’t start the war just for the extra revenue. Twenty dollars a copy for a bag check will not create a significant shareholder dividend especially since so many passengers fight the war to keep from paying the fee. Of course, one could argue for entertainment value, surely the airline executives watch the live action and secretly maintain files of the best for rerun fun. I note the Blues attempted casual reconnaissance of today’s competitors. Their side glances, surreptitious winks, nods, and smirks betray their arrogance.
The Spandexes – Athletically ripped young women with store-bought boobs in spandex are the wild cards. They will definitely create distractions for the testosterone-poisoned Blues. In the end, though, the Spandexes will lose. Blues brook no compromise. However, the Spandexes might create an opportunity for the Fuzzy Socks to stuff a snack sack in between the Gucci luggage. Have to wait to see how this drama plays out.
The Fuzzy Sock Sierrans— Slender, middle-aged men and women in hiking boots and shorts. They are the ones who look like they’ve drunk too much downstream water. They have an outside chance if they are willing to toss some of their chemical-free toothpaste and environmentally friendly but useless bug repellant in the security check. Nevertheless, they are usually done in by their self-righteous politeness. That’s what they get for eating a GMO-deficient diet. Missing the chemical edge that the Blues have.
The Old Folks with Canes – They don’t know or understand the game. Besides being slow out of the blocks, they can’t conceive of their canes being useful for anything other than assistive locomotion. These are the ones to watch out for though. They are potential game changers. If they ever discover the game, the Blues are sure to become the Black and Blues. Additionally, they possess a significant chemical advantage over the Blues.
The Enron Boys – Not to be confused with the Blues, even though their uniforms are similar. Daffy Duck suspenders are their signature haute couture clothing item. The ones with slightly over sized pieces of luggage. They are marked by an indifferent attitude and for lounging nonchalantly late in the bar just before boarding. Only they and they alone truly understand the rules of engagement. Early in the game, they so cleverly dissected the rules and now know how to beat the system. No need to stoop to play the OC Wars with plebeians! Don’t pay to check any baggage! Simply drag any slightly over sized luggage to the gate. Down the gangway near the entrance to the aircraft, a baggage handler will magically appear and cheerfully check their luggage to their final destination – free of charge. Smartest Guys in the Room 1 -– Dumb Ass Airline 0.
I always bet on The Blues. They are my out-of-the block favorites. (5-3 in Vegas) Fit, tanned and smarmily aggressive, their take-no-prisoner attitude is a sure winner. They only play to tell stories about the suckers they bested over ten-dollar cups of espresso. To them it’s all about the number of people they one-upped.
Me? I’m like Alfred E. Newman, The What Me Worry Guys. I happily pay the vicarage just to watch the contest.