Bartender: What do you want?
Dog: I’ll have a T-bone.
Bartender: I’ve told you before — this is a bar! We don’t serve food here.
Dog: Okay, then I’ll have a beer.
The French have a love affair with dogs. Paris is probably the most dog-friendly city in the world. Dogs frequent restaurants, parks, churches, pretty much anywhere their humans are allowed. Nevertheless, I’ve never, in all my visits to Paris, seen one walk into a bar and order a beer until today. Things are definitely different for dogs in Paris!
The typical Parisian lives in a one bedroom apartment of twenty-five to thirty square meters. Walk-in closet. Approximately three-hundred square feet. Personally, living in a small apartment with a dog doesn’t sound appealing to me. Nevertheless, Paris has more dogs per person than any other city in the world. An estimated 300,000 dogs, or one for every seven humans. The French are pretty good about keeping their dogs corralled in public. No accosting strangers or begging for croissants. The French don’t seem to mind or care if you pet them or totally ignore them. However, if you want to score big points with a Parisian, French kiss their chien. When I think of French dogs I think of the French Riviera and petite Poodles or yappy Yorkshires. However, the Parisians seem to prefer Scooby Doo-sized dogs. Oh! C’est impossible you say? They live in small apartments!! I understand, the logic escapes me too, Scooby in a closet! Where do he poo, and when he do, where do it go?
Ah, mes amis, now you see the grand problem –“les crottes des chiens”. (dirties of the doggies) These “crottes” amount to about twenty tons of Scooby Poo per day! An average of 650 people a year are injured so badly after slipping in les doos that they require hospitalization.
Do the math: how many hours do you think people spend scraping twenty tons of les poops from their designer pumps? I don’t know either, but it is no wonder France is having an economic crisis! How much human time is expended on a daily basis to de-poop de pumps? What a waste of human effort! Unemployment is high in France. Fortunately for the French, I am in France and I’ve come to repay The Marquis de Lafayette for his aid during our revolution against the English in 1776. Moi? Yes moi! I’ve devised a solution to the poop problem! In a country so famous for thinkers like Roland Barthes, Jean-Paul Sartre, Jacques Rousseau, Madame Curie, and René Descartes, it’s a true wonder that my simple solution escaped such great thinkers.
My solution to the grande poop problem is to establish a new French Academy, Des Sciences du Pooper Scoopers. My solution solves the current economic crisis and simultaneously the unemployment problem. The new academy will professionally train people with the latest and most advanced techniques for removing poop. This will save countless countesses many hours that they can use for shopping at Place Vendome. Think of the simplicity and beauty of my plan! Job creation and economic growth, quells brilliant!
I plan to present my solution for the European economic crisis to the French Assemblee Nationale on Friday.